Yay...

Baah, I've finally worked out what's wrong. Like, I've pinpointed it EXACTLY, and that NEVER happens (which is why I'm stupidlyhappy whilst writing this, even though it's technically the worst outcome I could have come to ^^).

It's that I think it'll be a long time before I can really believe anything again. Like, I keep going over and over an old msn conversation, and it seems to invalidate everything that's been said since... not completely, but there's little things that, when put together, still shake me to my core. Like wondering if people "think of us as one person yet," or saying that there'll always be jealosy, and saying "stop looking nice" in the context of the same cam conversations that should have been with another person, that "i like the scruffy look," saying it might not pass in time... saying that I might end things, and then as long as you can wait for the crying and pain to end, everything will be good," saying it's tempting to give up, and not saying that stuff should continue because it's good but because it'd be preferable to avoid the hasle and pain.

Now, when that's all in one conversation, and there's more besides, it really knocks a huge hole in any scraps of confidence that may have existed before. I think it will be a long, long time before I can really believe things and trust things again, and I'm really willing to wait. The only thing that sucks is that when I think THAT, I suddenly realise how likely it seems that I'm the only one who wants to wait.

Being utterly in love, and being utterly sure that it is NOT returned, is a crappy feeling, to say the least... so in essence, that's all a messy demonstration of why I'm not the happy, bouncy person I was a few months ago... I'm not depressing, don't get me wrong, but having to relive all of this every single day, being reminded of it every few hours, it's kind of a trial and a half.

So, THAT is why I may still be funny about things, why I may have biases or preudices, or why I may get moody for apparently no reason every do often. It's difficult baing happy to share everything about you with somebody, and yet finding that due to goddamn college work they found that they much preferred sharing it with somebody else.

Oh, and if anybody DOES come across this, this isn't meant to be critical or anything. It's not even meant to be viewed by anybody, as nobody goes on here. Just, I'm still trying to work things out...

Blackwater Outfit...

Knocked this up for a couple of friends after their gig on the day of the royal wedding... it was a good day :]