Bears, boys, fish, and flying Ford Anglias...

So, I finished the draft of the bear picture... which actually I'm gonna redo on an A3 scale. I also have a few more pieces in the works... at the top is a preview of a piece which I won't be re-doing or selling... can ya' tell what it is yet? ;)

Projects etc

Dan Moles has asked me if I'd like to contribute to an art project he's doing. I've no idea whether he's looking at getting it published, or whether it's just for fun, but I've set myself the task of getting involved in as many art-based/related things as I can. I'm doing commissions and my foundation work at the moment, as well as getting sets reading to reproduce as prints for a new Etsy shop, so Dan's project is kind of a welcome break from working towards a goal of some sort.

I decided to plan a piece out for Dan's book, so that I can do more than one drawing overall, so that I can keep one and a bit of rough development work for it. I've a couple of progress shots below...

S'cool, I'd been starting to forget what it's like to do art for art's sake. ^^

New...

Haven't uploaded to this in a while now... plus, this kinda turned into a rant page, which I didn't want it to, so, I wont be letting that happen again. It's a page of musings and shiny things, not pre-college style rage. :P

The above is a copy of a piece of me and Soph that I did... the bottom left arm isn't filled in though, so that she can be the only person with a 100% finished copy. It was a present for our 1 year anniversary... Oh, and if you click on the image, you can see a larger copy. The original was A3 :D

Yay...

Baah, I've finally worked out what's wrong. Like, I've pinpointed it EXACTLY, and that NEVER happens (which is why I'm stupidlyhappy whilst writing this, even though it's technically the worst outcome I could have come to ^^).

It's that I think it'll be a long time before I can really believe anything again. Like, I keep going over and over an old msn conversation, and it seems to invalidate everything that's been said since... not completely, but there's little things that, when put together, still shake me to my core. Like wondering if people "think of us as one person yet," or saying that there'll always be jealosy, and saying "stop looking nice" in the context of the same cam conversations that should have been with another person, that "i like the scruffy look," saying it might not pass in time... saying that I might end things, and then as long as you can wait for the crying and pain to end, everything will be good," saying it's tempting to give up, and not saying that stuff should continue because it's good but because it'd be preferable to avoid the hasle and pain.

Now, when that's all in one conversation, and there's more besides, it really knocks a huge hole in any scraps of confidence that may have existed before. I think it will be a long, long time before I can really believe things and trust things again, and I'm really willing to wait. The only thing that sucks is that when I think THAT, I suddenly realise how likely it seems that I'm the only one who wants to wait.

Being utterly in love, and being utterly sure that it is NOT returned, is a crappy feeling, to say the least... so in essence, that's all a messy demonstration of why I'm not the happy, bouncy person I was a few months ago... I'm not depressing, don't get me wrong, but having to relive all of this every single day, being reminded of it every few hours, it's kind of a trial and a half.

So, THAT is why I may still be funny about things, why I may have biases or preudices, or why I may get moody for apparently no reason every do often. It's difficult baing happy to share everything about you with somebody, and yet finding that due to goddamn college work they found that they much preferred sharing it with somebody else.

Oh, and if anybody DOES come across this, this isn't meant to be critical or anything. It's not even meant to be viewed by anybody, as nobody goes on here. Just, I'm still trying to work things out...

Blackwater Outfit...

Knocked this up for a couple of friends after their gig on the day of the royal wedding... it was a good day :]

DNA...

I'm cursing my makeup a little, for instilling me with the tendency to peak and trough, when it comes to working. Still, Deez knows how to ease my self-brought suffering :D

I will make it my mission to, at some point, get a couple of people together and bloody well learn this dance. It's epically good :D

Bear...

Blechh. I'm having far to many "I Need To Shout At Everything And Mope" days at the moment. And apart from the overwhelming weight of not having worked in my first year, and my exams being done in about 7 weeks time, it's mostly just silly little things that are setting me off. Of course, I'm not actually shouting at anybody. No, I'm all happy and bouncy half the time anyways, and it's fairly easy to hide being royally fucked off, but every now and then I'll hear something or see something, and I'll want to pack everything in and just go away from everyone and everything I know for a bit. Just, it'd be so nice to go without a couple of faces being ANYWHERE for a while, including stupid little places like Facebook, or viewed through classroom windows. And I swear to god, if I see another pet name, I'll have to get a gun and start shooting things in the Punchbowl. :]

It's like, I can deal with everything, except with that THAT will always be a bit MORE than it should be, whether in terms of communication, or looks, or time... and I have a serious thing against pet names, I've realised. Effectively, I'm a rat, and one with a busy schedule. And how can a rat compete with a lion for a cat, when the lion is free to lounge? Well, I should say Bear, really.

Ah well. Some Jeeves & Wooster will help me lose my thoughts. Some Fry and some Laurie, getting up to shenanigans, with no worries like commitments or work or any of that rubbish, and just pottering along, bumping into things and grinning. Oh, and I'm not drinking a drop now til' after the exams. Two reasons - A: I WILL make it a serious habit if I don't impose some sort of strict boundary now-ishh, and B: I get bitter when I drink alone. I get that enough sober, ta. :]

And SORRY, to anybody who may read this. I know it's a damn annoying, whiney read, but every now and then a person needs to vent, y'know? Sides, one of the people in question doesn't even know of this pages existence, and frankly I don't care if it's seen anyways. The "I Don't Care" stage really is a lovely one. If I ever get to the stage of "Snapping," I'm sure I'll post something fairly interesting.

Oh, 2 things finally. First, the picture above is to illustrate my general tiredness of the really shite deals I'm to put up with at the moment, and secondly, to future me - Yes, you were a prat, weren't you? ;P

Parenthood...

LOOK AT HOW CUTE WE ARE. :O This was taken before we were together, officially... and even then, we were fairly sickening to look at. It was awesome. *nods*

Something very odd happened today. God knows how we got onto the subject, but my parents told me they think I'll make a really good dad one day. Now, as a guy, I think the standard response to this is to usually, from now on, to go about my life wearing a full body condom, or something else similar. Actually, I was really happy to hear it.

Now, even if I do decide to have kids at some point, it wont come around for a good while yet. Still, my mums logic was based around the fact that she thinks I get on well with kids. I don't know about that, but I enjoy spending time with kids. When we finished our first language GCSE's in year 9, we went and taught spanish to a bunch of the younger kids at a primary school nearby. I was teaching spanish with a couple of the people from my class. Now, as far as I know, I was the only one asked back to do work experience at the school... and I'm not saying this to boast, but I'm trying to figure out why. When I was in primary school myself, I was a bit of an outcast. As a result of this, I used to sit at the front of the schoolbus with a couple of kids from my village called Miles and Eliot. I think I got on a lot better with those two 6 year younger kids than I did with 95% of my year at primary school.

I like talking to kids like grown ups, y'know? I don't offer them drinks of whisky or anything, or swear with every other syllable, or even at all I don't think... but aside from that, and aside from being as supportive and helpful as I can be, they get treated the same as everybody else, and they seem to respond really well to it.

I dunno. Would I be a good parent? I like to think so... though there'd be some degree of brainwashing. No child of mine will have a grade 1 haircut. No, they'll be raised listening to Doolittle and Hendrix, and they'll go to solstices, and they'll wear interesting clothes, and if they smoke when they grow up (I would do my utmost to stop them, obviously, but), they'd better smoke through a carved pipe. They WILL experience festivals, and they WILL be hippie kids.

I'll love them regardless, but... yeah, I am NOT having "stands-on-the-corner-throwing-beer-cans-at-oldies" kids. :P

Bad day...

Well it hasn't been, but it IS the name of my new favourite song by Darwin Deez. Turns out the guy is even better than I first anticipated. Aaand, I've looked at some of the videos he's done for other peoples songs, and I have to say, Deez is a beastly dancer. It's like, the whitest dance you've ever seen in the world EVER, but he seems to be having such a skinny, great time that you can't help be love it a bit. :]

Been somewhat angsty today... eugh, I hate it when I type this shit online, but since it's a diary-ish blog, I guess it has to be done, and i have to say what's on my mind. Seriously, it turns out I'm a paranoid and jealous little boy really, when it comes right down to it. I mean, people link each other songs on Facebook all the time, right? So, I really have no excuse for being angry or upset when one person links a sweet song to another person, do I? No, Chris, you really don't. And everybody shares banter on Facebook, right? So, I really have no excuse for being jealous of the close banter between two people on Facebook, do I? No, Chris... and shut up, it's boring to hear this stuff.

You're right, me. I'll stop. Have a Darwin Deez video (and yes, before you point it out, it's all a little ironic, but mneh :P).

Art and such...

I'm turning into a bit of an art nut at the moment... it's a good thing, what with the foundation year looming, it's painty head all inviting but it's flank indication that my life will probably become an endless stretch of ink-pots and an empty wallet. Yep, the years gonna be something of a beautiful bitch.... I'm still craving it though. I found this video on the personal blog of one of my favourite artists, and it's easing the pangs slightly. I hate trying to replicate traditional art, and I hate studying the classics, BUT I do love a lot of the art itself. So, I have a bit of a soft spot for this video; good music, and brilliantly done real-life copies of everything from Van Gogh, to Munch. It's genius.

I've been watching a lot of Band of Brothers recently as well, and I've started cycling up to my favourite hill again - Gibbit Hill, situated directly on top (almost) of the new A3 tunnel. I think i now know what the two things have in common that I love. It's a sense of escape. Now, I'm not generally one for trying to be deep and meaningful and poignant on blogs anymore... in fact, I'm far more into trying to write like the wonderfully loquacious mr Brand when I can be bothered (it's not yet happened on this blog), but when I say "a sense of escape," I mean the freedom I experience on top of the hill, and the sense of it I get when watching a war movie. I hate violence, but a world torn apart is a world without rules or restraints... and whilst war would never appeal to me, the escape from the real world would, I think, give me a hell of a thrill. I get that on Gibbit Hill. Twisted, huh? Still, there's no point to this blog if I don't jot down with at least some degree of honesty my general ponderings. :]

Ukegasms...

Whilst Myspace is all but dead thanks to Facebook sucking the blood from it's once-bloated neck, myspace Select is still worth a look every once in a while. 16 year old Misty Miller is something of a ukulele prodigy, and her music is kinda beautiful :)

Laughing with...

The man with Jesus round' his neck, I envy,

For a man with Jesus has hope,

Where nothings looking up, and fucked is the foreseeable

fate of my loves, I see bullets, not doves.

The girl who believes herself saved, I'm happy for,

For I'd barter and bid for belief,

Like I have in what I can hold in my hands,

To be sure there'll be reason to smile

In a while.

Regina Spektors "Laughing with" always puts me in a mood to write pretentiously. Honestly though, much as I believe religion to be suspect, and much as I claim to be agnostic, I'd do such things to be sure of the security, in love, health, and happiness of the people I love most. Fuck... relationships make me unbelievably mushy. Well done Soph. -.-

Folk stuff is brilliant for motivation...

Turns out I need help making little leaps towards getting my grades. Now, I'd not eschew Mumford & Sons from the "work" playlist for anything anyway, but they've just jumped right back up to the top, with a cover of Vampire Weekends "Cousins." It's fantastic. Fern Cotton was going on about hay bales and barn dances when I heard this on the radio down in art today, and whilst I'm never that interested in what a lot of radio presenters have to say, she was kinda spot on; Hay bales, barn dances, flagons and tabletop-jigs. It's great work music, and it got me through art AND a fair bit of photography today. It's been a productive day, in short, and it's all thanks to Marcus. He's a beaut'.

Tomorrow I've two lessons - art, and photography, in the afternoon, but I can't drive in because Mother dearest needs the car for work... which is annoying, but it's a little more justified than needing it for shenanigans. So, I'll be in from 10:30 to 2 before lessons even start, with only a 10 minute slot for PLD (personal learning and development... and no, it doesn't mean anything, and it isn't consequential). Mneh. Some field, some guitar, some snuggling, some milk, some tea and some mozart will be in order, for sure. :]

Mm'kay, so...

The last two or three months have been the hardest of my life, and I've no hesitation at all when thinking or saying that. No other problems have come close, ever. I've had more work than I've ever before had, and I've had trust squandered, and I've been missing more of my social life AND sleep almost than I can cope with.

However, I'm dealing with it. I got on the foundation course, so the work for art payed off. I'm on top of psychology, and in a week my photography teachers will love me, and the boots I flounce about in.

Socially, I'm making an effort... in easter, I'm planning an event or two, I stayed over at Hugo's on friday, and in the summer friends will come first. I've bounced back from an issue or two, and me and Soph are stronger than ever. I genuinely believe that we're a forever and ever couple now, and I'll not let anything but her own wishes get in the way of that.

Sleep is a problem, but I'm working on it... ;P

I still have a couple of months to match the last couple coming up, but I've struck a tenuous balance, and with a bit of thought and time on my part, by the summer, everything should be perfect again, or as close to perfect as possible.

Foundation, sorted. Me and Soph, perfect. Girls night in with emma, pub with sarah, organising a gig for Jacks band, going to see Wicked, driving lesson booked and spending time with a couple of people on weeknights. It's gonna be a good year, next year.

I'm the king of bottling, and I've a knighthood in bouncing back. I've a diploma in creating problems in every area of my life, and am due for a promotion in putting them right. The real world is fucked when I get there ;D

Diary stuff...

So, I got on the foundation course! :D Which is brilliant not only because I had no plan B, but because it's what I want to do more than anything else at all. On top of that, I spent four out of the past seven nights with the most amazing girl in the whole of forever and space and time and Ropley this week, had my first good pub lunch in the blazing sunshine, discovered Crabbies, had the first barbecue of the summer AND get to keep my Hugo bear on the foundation course with me... all in all, not a bad week. And, I did another video diary entry...

Foundation...

Ahhhh. I'm actually shhhh- scared about tomorrow, and finding out whether or not I'm on the foundation course. Literally, I have NO IDEA what I'll do if I don't get on it. It's the only course that I want to do, apart from a uni art course... but I NEED this to get there in the first place.

Ah well... I'll just have to keep being scared. Mum has been ordered on pain of death NOT to open the envelope when it gets here in the post tomorrow. She might do anyways, but just in case I get on the course, I want the satisfaction of being the one who opened it.

I get to see Soph again tomorrow though... by the end of this week, Ill have spent 4 out of 7 nights with her. That's a fair bit of time... it's brilliant.

(Above - Wolf No.3, a preparation study for my portraiture project final outcome)

Two birds...

And this is my Sophie... course' my drawing of her her doesn't even vaguely do justice to how truly beautiful she is... but by using this image, I have both shown her off, and uploaded a piece of half-good art onto this blog. Two birds, one stone. ;D

Hello again, blogger...

I'z back.

Okay, so I haven't had a personal blog for a while, so I'm a bit rusty at knowing what to write, or how much to write... I mean, I have a Tumblr (http://LightspeedLions.Tumblr.Com) but that used to be all reblogs, and is now all personal art.

So, I'll start with, current life situation -

• Still in long term relationship with beautiful and perfect girlfriend/soulmate
• Finally on top of art work
• Photography work suspect, but manageable
• Finding out wether or not I've been accepted onto foundation course this week
• Will subsequently be going to the pub to commiserate/celebrate
• Hais is returning to natural colour
• Will pass driving test just after easter, so will be whisking Sophie away at start of summer instead of easter now
• parents putting pressure on me for photography, but not too much
• Got £350 worth of laavly art supplies now
• Found a floor scarf. "Flaarf."
• Got my Apple iMac, FINALLY
• Discovered that I love milk, straight from the carton
• Phone/MSN working again, so I can contact the outside world when at home again
• Am still wildly head over heels for Soph... she's pretty perfect, y'know...

I have NO idea what to write now, so I'll just leave you guys with my current favourite song, by Noah and the Whale (writers of "5 years time," which unlike "Rockstar" by Nickelback didn't get worse with time...)