New...

Haven't uploaded to this in a while now... plus, this kinda turned into a rant page, which I didn't want it to, so, I wont be letting that happen again. It's a page of musings and shiny things, not pre-college style rage. :P

The above is a copy of a piece of me and Soph that I did... the bottom left arm isn't filled in though, so that she can be the only person with a 100% finished copy. It was a present for our 1 year anniversary... Oh, and if you click on the image, you can see a larger copy. The original was A3 :D

Yay...

Baah, I've finally worked out what's wrong. Like, I've pinpointed it EXACTLY, and that NEVER happens (which is why I'm stupidlyhappy whilst writing this, even though it's technically the worst outcome I could have come to ^^).

It's that I think it'll be a long time before I can really believe anything again. Like, I keep going over and over an old msn conversation, and it seems to invalidate everything that's been said since... not completely, but there's little things that, when put together, still shake me to my core. Like wondering if people "think of us as one person yet," or saying that there'll always be jealosy, and saying "stop looking nice" in the context of the same cam conversations that should have been with another person, that "i like the scruffy look," saying it might not pass in time... saying that I might end things, and then as long as you can wait for the crying and pain to end, everything will be good," saying it's tempting to give up, and not saying that stuff should continue because it's good but because it'd be preferable to avoid the hasle and pain.

Now, when that's all in one conversation, and there's more besides, it really knocks a huge hole in any scraps of confidence that may have existed before. I think it will be a long, long time before I can really believe things and trust things again, and I'm really willing to wait. The only thing that sucks is that when I think THAT, I suddenly realise how likely it seems that I'm the only one who wants to wait.

Being utterly in love, and being utterly sure that it is NOT returned, is a crappy feeling, to say the least... so in essence, that's all a messy demonstration of why I'm not the happy, bouncy person I was a few months ago... I'm not depressing, don't get me wrong, but having to relive all of this every single day, being reminded of it every few hours, it's kind of a trial and a half.

So, THAT is why I may still be funny about things, why I may have biases or preudices, or why I may get moody for apparently no reason every do often. It's difficult baing happy to share everything about you with somebody, and yet finding that due to goddamn college work they found that they much preferred sharing it with somebody else.

Oh, and if anybody DOES come across this, this isn't meant to be critical or anything. It's not even meant to be viewed by anybody, as nobody goes on here. Just, I'm still trying to work things out...

Blackwater Outfit...

Knocked this up for a couple of friends after their gig on the day of the royal wedding... it was a good day :]

DNA...

I'm cursing my makeup a little, for instilling me with the tendency to peak and trough, when it comes to working. Still, Deez knows how to ease my self-brought suffering :D

I will make it my mission to, at some point, get a couple of people together and bloody well learn this dance. It's epically good :D

Bear...

Blechh. I'm having far to many "I Need To Shout At Everything And Mope" days at the moment. And apart from the overwhelming weight of not having worked in my first year, and my exams being done in about 7 weeks time, it's mostly just silly little things that are setting me off. Of course, I'm not actually shouting at anybody. No, I'm all happy and bouncy half the time anyways, and it's fairly easy to hide being royally fucked off, but every now and then I'll hear something or see something, and I'll want to pack everything in and just go away from everyone and everything I know for a bit. Just, it'd be so nice to go without a couple of faces being ANYWHERE for a while, including stupid little places like Facebook, or viewed through classroom windows. And I swear to god, if I see another pet name, I'll have to get a gun and start shooting things in the Punchbowl. :]

It's like, I can deal with everything, except with that THAT will always be a bit MORE than it should be, whether in terms of communication, or looks, or time... and I have a serious thing against pet names, I've realised. Effectively, I'm a rat, and one with a busy schedule. And how can a rat compete with a lion for a cat, when the lion is free to lounge? Well, I should say Bear, really.

Ah well. Some Jeeves & Wooster will help me lose my thoughts. Some Fry and some Laurie, getting up to shenanigans, with no worries like commitments or work or any of that rubbish, and just pottering along, bumping into things and grinning. Oh, and I'm not drinking a drop now til' after the exams. Two reasons - A: I WILL make it a serious habit if I don't impose some sort of strict boundary now-ishh, and B: I get bitter when I drink alone. I get that enough sober, ta. :]

And SORRY, to anybody who may read this. I know it's a damn annoying, whiney read, but every now and then a person needs to vent, y'know? Sides, one of the people in question doesn't even know of this pages existence, and frankly I don't care if it's seen anyways. The "I Don't Care" stage really is a lovely one. If I ever get to the stage of "Snapping," I'm sure I'll post something fairly interesting.

Oh, 2 things finally. First, the picture above is to illustrate my general tiredness of the really shite deals I'm to put up with at the moment, and secondly, to future me - Yes, you were a prat, weren't you? ;P

Parenthood...

LOOK AT HOW CUTE WE ARE. :O This was taken before we were together, officially... and even then, we were fairly sickening to look at. It was awesome. *nods*

Something very odd happened today. God knows how we got onto the subject, but my parents told me they think I'll make a really good dad one day. Now, as a guy, I think the standard response to this is to usually, from now on, to go about my life wearing a full body condom, or something else similar. Actually, I was really happy to hear it.

Now, even if I do decide to have kids at some point, it wont come around for a good while yet. Still, my mums logic was based around the fact that she thinks I get on well with kids. I don't know about that, but I enjoy spending time with kids. When we finished our first language GCSE's in year 9, we went and taught spanish to a bunch of the younger kids at a primary school nearby. I was teaching spanish with a couple of the people from my class. Now, as far as I know, I was the only one asked back to do work experience at the school... and I'm not saying this to boast, but I'm trying to figure out why. When I was in primary school myself, I was a bit of an outcast. As a result of this, I used to sit at the front of the schoolbus with a couple of kids from my village called Miles and Eliot. I think I got on a lot better with those two 6 year younger kids than I did with 95% of my year at primary school.

I like talking to kids like grown ups, y'know? I don't offer them drinks of whisky or anything, or swear with every other syllable, or even at all I don't think... but aside from that, and aside from being as supportive and helpful as I can be, they get treated the same as everybody else, and they seem to respond really well to it.

I dunno. Would I be a good parent? I like to think so... though there'd be some degree of brainwashing. No child of mine will have a grade 1 haircut. No, they'll be raised listening to Doolittle and Hendrix, and they'll go to solstices, and they'll wear interesting clothes, and if they smoke when they grow up (I would do my utmost to stop them, obviously, but), they'd better smoke through a carved pipe. They WILL experience festivals, and they WILL be hippie kids.

I'll love them regardless, but... yeah, I am NOT having "stands-on-the-corner-throwing-beer-cans-at-oldies" kids. :P

Bad day...

Well it hasn't been, but it IS the name of my new favourite song by Darwin Deez. Turns out the guy is even better than I first anticipated. Aaand, I've looked at some of the videos he's done for other peoples songs, and I have to say, Deez is a beastly dancer. It's like, the whitest dance you've ever seen in the world EVER, but he seems to be having such a skinny, great time that you can't help be love it a bit. :]

Been somewhat angsty today... eugh, I hate it when I type this shit online, but since it's a diary-ish blog, I guess it has to be done, and i have to say what's on my mind. Seriously, it turns out I'm a paranoid and jealous little boy really, when it comes right down to it. I mean, people link each other songs on Facebook all the time, right? So, I really have no excuse for being angry or upset when one person links a sweet song to another person, do I? No, Chris, you really don't. And everybody shares banter on Facebook, right? So, I really have no excuse for being jealous of the close banter between two people on Facebook, do I? No, Chris... and shut up, it's boring to hear this stuff.

You're right, me. I'll stop. Have a Darwin Deez video (and yes, before you point it out, it's all a little ironic, but mneh :P).